AFFF: an Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction
by Taidine
Summary: Artemis visits Staten Island, meets two girls, utterly fails to fall in love with either barring extremely extenuating circumstances, and saves the world. All by mistake.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi there, Taidine here.

I don't own Artemis Fowl. That's fine, because I don't own this story either. It is by my sister and her friend; I edited and post it here with their permission. I take no blame for any bad jokes, but I've giggled while reading it, so I assume at least someone on this website might also enjoy it.

- Taidine

--

Artemis et al belong to Eoin Colfer. Katy and Claudia belong to their creators. Staten Island... I guess it belongs to Mike Bloomberg. Sort of. Until the Staten Island Ninja takes over. Or so I hear, while doing my research on the place.

So, let the insanity commence.

"Butler... must I?" Artemis Fowl gazed wistfully up the main street from whence he came. The Fowl Manor's Mercedes sat parked in front of a small suburban abode, abutting the estate of IS61 middle school, Staten Island, NY.

"I apologize, but this is what your parents had in mind."

"Since when have you listened to them and not me?"

"Aren't they my employers?"

He sighed. "In the technical sense of the word, I suppose."

"It's only for a few months... try to meet some new people... your own age," he added

Just then, from deep within the formidable hole which is, in essence, all junior high schools, there came a ringing, much like a dying bear. Artemis winced, and, twitching, looked at the school. A jumble of diverse students erupted from the double doors, screaming and laughing, pushing and jumping about. Out of the cacophony came two prominent voices.

"EVERYWHERE!" one screeched, voice shrill and girly

"Everywhere we go!" sang another, a tad quieter, but just as annoying, as the two broke through the crowd, dancing.

The first continued: "Everything we see is..." then paused for a beat, readying their hands.

"ULTRAVIOLET!" they trilled, together making a flamboyant gesture, and burst into nonstop giggles as they fumbled down the street past him.

Artemis eyed them warily. "How 'bout them?" Butler suggested. Artemis choked, but Butler had already shoved him out, directly into their path.

They stopped, and looked at him. The first had her hand up, mid-peace-sign. She was slight, pale, and short, with medium length, wavy, dark brown hair pulled messily up into a loose side ponytail. Her heart shaped face had rosy pink cheeks from the cold air. Her large, almond shaped green eyes stared, wide in surprise. The second was around three inches taller, slim, with deep chocolate ringlets falling down to frame her face. Her button nose was stuck in the air, and eyes looked up at him, dark as her hair.

"Erm... hello, little child!" said the first girl, oblivious to the fact that he was at least 6 inches taller than her. The second stifled a giggle.

"Good afternoon. I am Artemis Fowl, pleased to make your acquaintance."

They stood dumbly, until Girl No. 2 shook her head.

"Oh, right. I'm Claudia, nice to meet you." She elbowed girl No. 1 in the ribs.

"Oh, er, yes, indeed, I am Katerina, but you may indulge yourself if you would prefer to call me," she put her pinky up, and stepped dangerously close to his grimacing face, "Katy."

Artemis had the idea he was being mocked, and forced a laugh.

Claudia gave a curtsy, playing along. "Would you like a spot of tea, or perhaps a biscuit, or crumpet?"

He opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say "Dear lord," Katy had grabbed his hand, and Claudia was pushing him steadily along the sidewalk.

"You'll just ah-dore the coffee shop." she said, heavy Staten Island accent revealing itself at last.

"Seriously, I go there all the time," added Claudia, in a fake preppy voice.

Katy glanced quickly at her, then, letting go of Artemis' hand, began turning swift pirouettes down the sidewalk, squealing, "Stop mocking me, stop mocking me!!" repeatedly. Artemis couldn't help but admire the grace and ease with which she spun.

Claudia laughed, and continued to savagely rip apart the poor boys dignity by pushing him down Forest Ave. The pair led him past a pizza place, a barbershop, and a drycleaners, until Katy halted the caboose, and announced: "We're here!"

Artemis soon found the "coffee shop" to be a warm place, cozy to the point of Granny Smith, maybe even better than the high society rich kid coffee shops in Ireland he frequented. Katy and Claudia seemed right at home, conversing with the cashier, but mostly chattering excitedly about inside jokes he knew nothing about. Slightly annoyed, he cleared his throat. "Ahem..."

They turned to him slowly, and simultaneously, daggers in green and brown eyes. "May we help you, Mr. Fowl?" Claudia said, air quoting the name "Fowl".

"Sorry... I just thought that I may comment on what you were discussing. I find that in my experience, normally horses named Charlie--"

"It's a unicorn! Get it right," giggled Katy.

"Bye the by, were do you live?" asked Claudia, spooning a mouthful of steamed milk.

"Bye, the bisexual hippopotamus lives in the sea next to the octopus and those four guys on the Disney Channel... I think they're called The Wiggles," said Katy, unnervingly quick.

"Well, actually," muttered Artemis eyeing Katy skeptically, "Actually I lived in Ireland, but now I'm being forced to live here on this despicable island. Did you know it sinks an inch every year?"

"Only an inch?" Claudia scoffed.

"Oh, and did _you_ know that our dump is one of the only man-made things that can be seen from outer space, right with the Great Wall of China?" Katy informed him.

"And-" Artemis began, being cut off by Claudia before a statistics argument began.

"There's your grandma Katy, I guess you gotta' go."

"Okay, bye," sighed Katy, standing up and smoothing her green tutu.

She turned on her big green knit boots, and strode out the jingling coffee shop door. The trio-now-duo watched as the blue Gallant rolled down Forest Av.

"Shi--oo--iznaz... I forgot, I don't have a ride..." Claudia surveyed the bottom of her paper cup like she was interested.

Artemis' blue eyes rolled around in his skull, up to the ceiling and down to look annoyed at Claudia. "Would you like a ride?" he asked through gritted teeth.

She grinned sheepishly. "I saw the car you came in... Of course I want a ride!" He chuckled.

"C'mon," he beckoned her out the door. As she tossed her cup, and hoisted her corset, a strange man appeared from behind a newspaper, and followed them inconspicuously out into the cold.

"So Artemis," he said. Claudia whirled around, beret askew,

"That Artemis?" she jabbed her thumb in his direction.

"Yes, Butler, let me introduce Claudia..." Butler smiled crookedly and Claudia lifted the sides of her plaid mini-skirt in a mock curtsy. "Claudia this is Butler, he's my... butler."

Butler held open the door, and she hopped in, instantly finding the buttons and mini-fridge. Artemis slid in beside her, but far as he could, sort of staring out the window as Claudia opened a root beer that had been shaking for a while (making sure to point it away from herself). Butler sighed as it filled the backseat with 2-year-old foam.

"Nice," said the duo-now-trio.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, Taidine here (again).

I still don't own Artemis Fowl. I still can't be blamed for anything these two girls and their middle school put him through. Additionally, the two girls in question (or rather, just my sister) would like me to ask you to please review.

It will make her feel vindicated, I think.

Enjoy,

Taidine

--

NEXT DAAAAAAAY-A

Artemis walked slowly along the path to the front entrance in the school, trying to hide his face.

He suddenly felt a tap on each shoulder. He turned slowly, 180 degrees, savoring each and every one, to find Katy, sporting a painfully pink trench coat, thrown over an off-white dress, with myriad loose layers of thin fabric, ending just above her knee, tied sideways with a large white ribbon, hanging above her waist. She carried yet another item of painful pink in the form of a striped coach tote draped across her slim shoulder. She bounced onto the point of her toes as she came into focus, drawing attention to the third vibrant pink article; ballet slippers.

"You shouldn't wear dance shoes outside the classroom Katy," he pointed out.

"Psh, it's kyewl, I'm done with these. I'm on point now," she said dismissively, returning to the ground.

"Really!" agreed Claudia, twirling on the spot. Her very flowy black capris flared; plaid green sleeves hung inches past her fingertips at their full length, the rest of the shirt tied at her rib cage, with a long tan tank top underneath, and stretched all the way past her hips. Her hat seemed to be of the same material as her over shirt, and a thin lanky scarf hung behind her, white as snow. She landed, and snapped the white headband worn hippy style around Katy's head. Artemis' eyes strayed from Katy's feet to Claudia's, noticing that her ballet flats were also of the same material; flannel green plaid.

"Knock knock!" they shouted in unison before Artemis could even mutter a hello.

"...Who's there?" he asked uncertainly.

"Totally uncalled for!" they continued.

"Totally uncalled fo-" They cut him off by each slapping the shoulder they were closest to.

"That was totally uncalled for," chuckled Artemis, unable to help himself.

They linked arms with him (there seemed to be an unspoken cue for things such as this) and hopped/skipped into the school. Although they received many a weird look from fellow students and teachers (and grossly underpaid security guards), they managed to make it to Integrated Algebra 1 without further harassment.

Artemis was seated next to Katy, the only empty desk. There was a bit of stringent gossip that hung about the room before the lesson began. As Claudia sat, and pulled her notebook from her puffy Fendi tote, she thought she heard the tail end of a conversation that the two catty girls across from her were having.

"He's not that cute."

"No, I think he looks a little broody."

"Is he going out with Katy?"

They were silenced as Claudia's notebook met the cold metal of the desks with a thud.

"Okay, let's review what we left off with yesterday," said Mrs. Powers, as Katy leaned into Artemis and made a quiet bleating sound.

He glanced sideways at her as she giggled.

"You endlessly amuse yourself, don't you?" he smirked.

Katy shrugged.

The lesson went on through all 98 minutes before the blessed bell released them from the vortex of graphs and inequalities. As the class rose, Mrs. Powers met them at the door to hand them each a review sheet. "Don't forget to study for the test on Friday!" she rasped in a voice like a softly dying goat. They each grumbled a reply before continuing on with there private conversations. Katy and Claudia cornered Artemis as he delicately folded his single sheet of looseleaf, and slipped it into his ultra-sleek black binder/folder.

"So," Katy crooned, "How was your first--"

"Claudia?" Katy was cut off by a small, childlike voice from behind. They turned, to find a very short girl, even shorter then Katy, with tawny brown hair tied back in a ponytail, and a small, ever-constant smile playing on full lips.

"Oh, hey, Simone," Claudia said, re-adjusting her shoulder strap, "What's up?"

"Oh, I was just vundering if you deed ze 'omwork from drama yet, do you know ven zat is due?" Artemis could detect a Russian accent in her little voice.

"No, that's not due 'til Friday. Hey, Artemis, this is Simone. Simone, Artemis." Claudia swerved her hand around in a presenting way. Simone smiled shyly.

"How--" Artemis' voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, and extended his hand. "How do you do?" She took it, giggling.

"Good. Thanks. I should go." She dropped his pale hand, and turned to leave.

Artemis blinked. "She had a... coordinated outfit on."

Katy scoffed, and made urgent hand gestures towards her and Claudia's long thought out (and high fashion) outfits. It was Artemis' turn to shrug. "Hers was all one colour."

Katy began to message her temples. "Oh god…" Katy started, "I... can't... hold... it... back..." she suddenly whirled, grabbing him around the wrist, tanking him into the hallway before yelling in mostly incoherent talk. Some of the things he could understand went something like: "Doyouknowwhereshegetsherclothesfrom?! Huh? Mr. --(incoherent)--?Children'sPlace!ChildrensPlace!! (Incoherent). Dress up shoes! Socks-with-the-ruff-les!! (Incoherent) LalLalalalalala, I'm a little five year old, look how freekin smart I am! I don't care what you think, but I'll try to im-press you anyway! I'm smiling ALL the time! Look how cute mylittleneongreenspandexpants are!!" She stopped, stepped away, and closed her eyes, seemingly calming down.

"And, you know," she said, quite calmly. "I'm a little offended that you didn't even say a thing about our outfits."

She pouted, and Artemis softened glancing back and forth from Claudia's hysterical laughing to Katy's big green eyes.

Mr. Luisi gave them a warning look as they passed. "Get to class girls, there's time for boyfriends after school."

Katy smirked and grabbed Artemis' hand. Claudia stiffened, obviously weirded out.

"Sure Mr. Luisi," she sighed dreamily, swaying her and Artemis' clasped hands back and forth as she skipped forward.

"I wouldn't want to miss a minute of science... ever," Claudia chimed, giving the dean the peace sign, before hurrying after Katy, and a bewildered Artemis. As she approached them, she added quietly: "Seriously guys, we can't be late for science."

"Hey guys," came a sudden squeaky voice from behind Katy and Claudia as they gathered their things. They turned to see a pale mouse-like boy standing nervously behind them.

"Oh, hi," said Katy, in contrast to Claudia's friendly greeting.

"Who's your friend?" he asked, eyeing Artemis with what looked strangely like a mixture of anger and jealousy.

"Oh, that's Artemis, he's really smart... smarter then you," Katy added, somewhat smugly.

"Okay... really?" Thomas asked, trying to seem nonchalant, but giving Artemis the evil eye the whole time.

"Oh, my god, guys, Sarah Bennett likes that new ki-!" started a heavy brunette running up beside them, stopping as she saw Artemis glance up at her.

She looked away and muttered, "Oooo-kay then. I'll see you guys in Spanish."

Katy and Claudia's eyes grew wide and grins slowly spread across their doll-like faces. Claudia grasped Thomas' shoulder, "Don't have a cow."

"What?!"

"I sai-"

"I know what you said! I don't know what you're talking about."

Katy rolled her eyes. Claudia's hands slipped off his shoulder and drew them back protectively in front of her face. Thomas stalked off.

"Okay, that wasn't weird," Katy giggled, turning back to Artemis. "You do know what this means, right?"

"Um, you befriend the oddest people?"

"Ew, Thomas isn't our friend."

"Why no-"

"Let's not have this conversation right now," Katy cut him off.

"Well, do you know what it means?" Claudia asked, impatient.

Artemis sighed, "What?"

"POPULARITY!" they sang.

"... what?"

"The third most popular girl in school has a crush on you! That means everyone wants what we have!" Claudia practically screamed.

"You mean... me? Wait, you don't own me."

Katy snorted. "Don't kid yourself honey."


	3. Chapter 3

Still not mine. Still a combination of Eoin Colfer's genius and the insanity of my sister and her friend. Don't blame me, blame them. And then review it.

- Taidine

--

The two girls gently convinced Artemis that he didn't want to experience the cafeteria even once, and lead him to the secret nook on the roof of the building, where they kept a tent full of Flokati bean bags, a Starbucks machine, a mini-fridge, and a couple of good reads. Artemis found it reasonably comfortable, and was able to eat his caviar in peace.

The next two periods passed by in a dull blur, as Artemis had read "To Kill A Mockingbird" when he was 7, and had found it somewhat easier to identify with Scout, as they were the same age.

Suddenly, the dying bear reared its ugly head. Katy reluctantly put down the book, as Claudia finished up her hushed conversation with Joe, the large-headed boy who sat next to her.

"Ugh," Katy moaned. "On to Mrs. D-Gay's class."

"Who's that?" Artemis asked, curious if there was really someone with that last name.

"Our ridiculous, fat, old, annoying, short haired, whistling, untalented, poor excuse of a Theater Movement Dance Arts teacher!" Claudia ranted.

"I love that class," Katy mocked.

She bounded forward, playing at the headband still around her head, and twirling her loose banana curls around her fingers.

Once seated on a smelly grey mat by a lady surprising fitted to Claudia's harsh description, a thin, large haired girl stood up in front of the class and tried desperately to get their attention. A pretty little blond stood up to aid her. "ALL RIGHT YOU LOSERS, GET UP, SHE'S TRYING TO TEACH A CLASS!" The girl smiled as the class arose grumbling.

"She isn't a good looking girl," Artemis muttered at the girl in front of the room. She caught his eye, and giggled, twirling frizzed strand of hair and biting her lower lip. Artemis shrank back in horror.

Katy and Claudia put their heads in there hands, and groaned. "Next victim." said Claudia. "Poor kid," added Katy.

The class continued without further incident, until the three were disqualified from the game 'statues'. They sat, and observed as a sudden argument broke out about the frizzy-haired girl's unclear directions. After a few moments, Katy and Claudia squealed simultaneously: "It's like a soap opera unfolding before our very eyes!" With that they both fell dramatically to the floor (well it wasn't that far of a fall, as they were sitting, Indian-style on the mat). Artemis looked back and forth between them, then, used to their odd quirky behavior, reached out and grabbed their arms, each on either side of him, pulling them back up next to him.

"Thank-ye lad," said Claudia, and Katy brought her hand to her forehead in a salute.

Artemis chuckled, "Your welcome, lass...s" he replied.

The day rolled along slowly, steadily; it plodded along like a large fuzzy animal; like something loping lazily along in a lush green forest, hoping for, but not desperately wanting, a piece of food. It reminded Claudia of the color brown. The dying bear sent a loud message of release to the school, and as the flustered teacher attempted to impress upon her students the importance of the treaty of Versailles, the class was gathering their things to leave. Katy and Claudia met Artemis at his desk as he was closing his MacBook Air, and sliding it into a pocket folder. "So," he started, "Are you planning to journey to the Coffee shop today?"

Claudia sighed wistfully, "Sadly, no," she breathed.

"We're performing at a nursing home today," Katy continued, flicking the zipper on her bag.

Artemis' brow furrowed. "Performing?"

"Yeah, we're doing some numbers from Beauty and the Beast, and of course, the ever popular Pajama Game..." Claudia answered, sounding bored.

"Are you any good, then?"

The girls giggled. "Katy's a great dancer, and she sings... better than sixty six percent of the population," said Claudia as they began to walk down the hall.

"Oh, yeah, but Claudia's percentage figures are only 100 accurate 50 of the time." sang Katy

"Wrong you are, _ce qui suit est correcte_. I am 82 sure that my percentages are 67 accurate 44 of the time, 21 of which is half of the accuracy that the words coming out of President Bush's mouth are Webster Dictionary approved. I was only 26 sure of what I just said, but I'm going to go ahead and make an estimate that 89 of it had a 30 chance of making me sound really smart." Claudia panted as she finished off her one-breath sentence.

"Oh. Mon. Dieu!" Katy squealed, "That was nice!"

"Clever," Artemis muttered; the boy had seen better.

"So Art-emis, where are you staying on this faire isle?" chimed Katy.

"Oh, I have a rented out place around the two blocks from here."

"Ya' know what? I think 'm gonna' start callin' you...Simetra Lwof."

Artemis stared at her skeptically.

"It's your name backwards..."

"But you forgot the L."

"No," she shook her head towards him in an exasperated fashion. "Silly, the L is silent. Duh."

"Sure."

"Come on, we gotta' make like a tree and split," Claudia whined.

Katy snickered.

"_Ciao_," she called behind her as they made their way down the street, and towards the girl from Mrs. DK's room, with the large hair. Artemis could practically hear Katy complaining shrilly as she climbed into the trunk of the small Volvo. He shook his head, chuckling.

A firm pressure was drawn to his attention on his left shoulder. He turned, to see a very serious looking Butler, wearing his usual dark shades and a suit. "There may be a problem Master Artemis."


	4. Chapter 4

This is your host, Taidine, speaking.

This fanfiction was written by my sister. Artemis Fowl was written by Eoin Colfer. Don't be thick.

That's all.

Taidine

Please review!

Claudia&Katy

--

Artemis waited patiently as his phone rang, dialing Holly. "Hello?" came her familiar voice.

"Holly, is something wrong?" He was punctual about getting to the point.

He didn't bother with social pleasantries when there were troubles in Haven, the underground world occupied by what were believed to be mythical creatures.

"I think so... Artemis, I have to tell you, it wasn't your parents idea to send you to America... it was sort of Foaly's."

"What? Well... that's alright, I'm sure he had a very good reason. What's the good reason Holly?" he demanded.

"...Opal's back."

A stunned silence followed, and for a moment there was nothing but static on both ends of the line.

"Well..." Artemis started, "There are a few precautions we need to take if we are going to survive long enough to stop her."

They formulated a system that would ensure alerts as to what she was up to, like filters on all news channels, scanning for key words like "Fairy," or "Hypnotism," or "Not him/herself." Foaly would monitor all these outlets until they had a good idea of what the evil scheming pixie was up to this time.

"And remember, contacts at all times," added Holly, as the line was cut off.

Artemis swiveled in his chair to face his computer. He didn't use AIM much, but it seemed the most direct way to contact Katy and Claudia, and warn them of any odd things coming their way.

Only Claudia was online. He requested video chat, and worked on some piece-of-cake math homework while he waited for an answer (Mrs. Powers failed to realize that he had already taken a Regents equivalent in Ireland and had achieved a perfect score. Twice.) Finally, a tiny screen of Claudia popped up on his desktop.

"Claudia, good I--" he stopped as he caught sight of the tiny white slip she was wearing. "What's..."

"Oh, lord, it's a nighty. Now, you went to five years of elementary and two years of middle school, so I can safely assume you are at least seven. Pull yourself together dude!" she ranted with an eye roll.

"Sorry... I... it's just would you mind getting a blanket it's very distrac--"

She whipped out a giant sweater with the letters YALE on it. "Happy? You pubescent volcano."

"Yes, much better. Anyway there is a... convicted felon on the loose who works in different ways than your average felon, so just... if you see anything out of the ordinary, just tell me, alright?"

"Fowl, I'm best friends with Katy... what are the chances that I won't see something out of the ordinary?"

He chuckled. "Around twenty three percent."

"Yes, but your figures are only 86 accurate, 99 of the time, which makes that...85.14 likely to be true."

"Yes, but if you are only 82 sure that your figures are 67 accurate 44 of the time, that makes your assumption of my percentages only 24.1736 likely to be correct, and that makes it..." he stared at the ceiling for only a brief moment, calculating. "Only a 4.7337227 chance that you wont see anything odd tomorrow."

Claudia considered. "You forgot to factor in the felon. What are the chances I may see him/her tomorrow?"

"About thirty..."

"So... thirty and factor in the 24.1736 that I assume your percentages are only 86 accurate 99 of the time... there is only a .34329336 chance that I won't see something odd tomorrow. Which makes a 99.65679... somethin' or other chance that I will." She grinned.

He laughed. "Just keep your eyes out."

She gave him a big thumbs up right into her computer camera, and swiveled around to grab her cat.

"Hey, one more thing... the inside of your house is... well, smaller than I would have expected." He trailed off, glancing behind her.

"Why is that?"

"Well... you wear expensive clothing and such." He shrugged.

"Oh, well my family isn't rich but I suppose you could say that I am... I work."

"Really... what do you do?"

Claudia hesitated and put down her cat. "Well, I work for the Staten Island Advance, I baby sit, I manage our band and Im a rmntcnvlst."

Artemis turned up the volume on his mac. "What was that last one?" he inquired

"...novelist," she stated promptly

"Really? Interesting, what's a book you have written, maybe I have heard of it."

Claudia gave him a look that could slay a beetle. "Aren't we getting off topic here?" she asked venomously.

Artemis was vexed. "Sure, I just thought it was interesting that you made yourself so rich so young, not that it's something I'm not familiar with, but to do it in and entirely legal fashion..." He trailed off staring into space.

Abruptly, he looked back. "What's that music?"

"That's our band... Katy vocals, B-rye drums, I'm on piano, Leah guitar, and you can't hear it now but three or four songs have Naomi on flute. I'm kind of in the middle of mixing this, so do you mind?" Artemis shrugged, and Claudia exited the chat with a wink.

Artemis sat back in his chair with a heavy breath as Butler entered the room. "Who were you talking to?"

"Oh, just one of those girls who gradually suck my life away in this godforsaken island." He closed his eyes.

Butler chuckled. "Growing on you, are they?"

Artemis shot him a look. "Ask me in about five minutes after I call the other one." Butler handed him the landline, and Artemis took it gingerly, dialing Katy's number.

"Yo."

"Hello Katy it's Artemis-"

"Simetra Lwof!!"

"Er- yes."

"Who is it?" came a squeaky voice in the background.

"It's this kid, Simetra."

"Oh, I'll go then."

"Yeah bye," came Katy's voice, dismissively.

"Alright then, back to business, yes?"

"...Sure?"

"There's a felon on the loose!"

"...heh...awsome."

"You're not understanding me, use your brain!"

"...I put it to good use...on occasion..."

"That's nice. But you must listen. There is a dangerous, homicidal pixie flying around freely this very moment! Whatever you do, keep your eye out for her and DON'T BUY TRUFFLES!!"

"Yeah, alright, bye."

"No! Please don't hang up! Where are my manners? I apologize, let me explain this calmly."

"Wait, did you say 'pixie'?"

Artemis sighed, shaking his head. "Never mind that, just...don't buy truffles, and I'll explain tomorrow in school."

"Kaaatyyyyy!" came the squeaky voice again.

"WHAT!" Katy bellowed in annoyance.

"Are you gonna eat these truuuuflessss?!"

"NO!"

"Oookayyyyy! I'm gonna go ahead and eat theeeem! I like truuuflesss!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Ooookayyy...you suuuure you don't want the truuuufles?"

"She better eat those truffles before I shove them up her-"

"Did she say truffles?" Artemis cut in, before Katy could finish her tirade

"Er, yes?"

"Who is that you were speaking to?" he asked slowly.

"ID even K. My parents are convinced she's the kid of some really old family friend, and so they stuck her in the guesthouse. Her name's Belinda."

Artemis practically hyperventilated. "GET OUT! Get out of that house RIGHT NOW!"

"Wtfrig? Simetra Wolf, me thinks you finally went down da' rabbit hole."

"...What?"

"Ya' know, off the deep end, snapped, cracked, pushed out the window and into the crazy asylum hearse to your obscenely corrupt funeral, attended only by the insane bed wetting priest who only comes out after 9:00...for the children."

"..."

"Hello?"

"That was an, er, interesting analysis of my psychiatric stability."

"No problem, anytime. Now, that's 25 for the thought process that went into the conversation, an extra 5 per minute, and 450 for finally figuring out your real problems."

"Can I take 22 off the total for warning you about the killer?"

"Sure, but there's a 40 tax."

"Oh, do you even know what that comes out to?"

"No, I'm not like a mathematolical genius. I don't have percentage wars with oddly pale 13 years old protégées like SOMEONE I know cough Claudia cough."

"I'll be over in five minutes!"

"Wait wha-?"

Katy was interrupted by the dial tone.


End file.
